I. Trust. You.

Simple words...I. Trust. You.

This week did not go as planned.  My hope was to give you an update of EVERYTHING that has been going on with our Little Lover.

Life with him has been busy.

Instead I will share with you just one week.

A week that did not go as planned.

Last Monday, he was scheduled to have his adenoids removed with a possible tonsillectomy. Why possible?  His doctor explained that his tonsil were larger than normal, but from what he could currently see he was not sure if it was "necessary" for them to come out now.  Naturally I asked...if we know they are already larger than normal, why would we not go ahead and remove them to eliminate a later surgery, anaesthesia, etc.

Because of his age.  He responded...if he were 3 or 4, I would remove them without hesitation.  But, this is a hard surgery for a 19 month old.  Usually they stay in the hospital due to dehydration because they do not want to swallow, possible bleeding, yada yada yada.

OK...so on Monday we went in for a definite adenoid removal, maybe tonsils.

He was the definition of a Little Lover the morning we took him in.

Great spirits, flirted with the nurses, etc.

The doctor came to us within 30 minutes after they wheeled him back and explained surgery had went well, they did have to remove his tonsil, as they were much larger than he had anticipated.  They scale the size from 1-4, 4 being a total blockage.  He measured a 3.5.

So, we had already prepared for a night in the hospital "just in case" and within 30 minutes we were in his room, set up.  That day went really well and we were sure to be released the next morning.  

The night however, did not go quite as planned.  As he slept, I could hear the fluid building up. I spoke to the nurse and asked if he should be suctioned and her explanation was...this is expected and we don't want to suction him due to how sore he already is from the surgery. 

 As I lay beside him, lets just say it quickly became an emotional roller coaster for me.  

It was "that" same sound.  

The sound I heard a short month ago when my mom's body was failing her and fluid sat in the back of her throat.

I spoke to the nurse again and shortly there after his O2 sats dropped into the mid 80's.  They started oxygen around 4am.  As I sat in his bed, in order to reposition the oxygen as he moved through sleep I read.  Thank GOD for technology.  I started looking up versus on my iphone and finally rested on this verse.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

Because I lacked understanding.

Have we not been through enough already?

Is it not enough that we are in this room...does the sounds coming from my sweet boy HAVE to so closely resemble the memories of my mom I am trying to forget?

Is it JUST not enough?

I call Chris at about 5am and inform him I am not getting a good feeling.  He is going to get ready, run by work, cancel a meeting, inform his boss of the situation and meet me at the hospital.

I call my sister at 7am and tell her I am not getting a good feeling, explain the situation.  She tells me...TRUST your instinct, you know that baby better than anyone.

Shift change occurs and a new nurse comes to introduce herself.

She hears him and decided she wanted to change his oxygen mask...she felt he needed "moist" oxygen.

She leaves and his heart rate drops from 160 bpm to 40 bpm.  Another nurse enters the room, who was watching the monitors and sits him up his heart rate quickly returns to 160.  She listens but can't hear his heart rate over all the fluids.  They decided to put heart leads on him for a more accurate account of what his happening.  She leaves.

I snap two pictures on my phone.  One of the monitors and one of my boy...and send them to Missy.

His heart rate drops again to 40.

His nurse rushes in.  She calls two other nurses on that floor.  They arrive.  Then she calls the emergency response team.  The room is quickly flooded.

A friend asked me if I left the room.

Hell NO!

I watched...I stayed in his line of vision...

they suctioned an extreme amount of fluid out of him,

an extreme amount of meds were flooding into his system...

at this point he was limp...

plans to intubate him...

I was insanely calm.

I repeated over and over...

I. Trust. You.....I. Trust. You...I. Trust. You...

and then my little Lover turned into my little fighter!

He perked up...started pulling monitors off of him...

I remember the nurse who was put in charge of restraining him kept saying...

keep fighting me...good, keep fighting me...

Daddy walks in.

After 45 minutes, they now feel he is stable enough to transfer to the ICU.

Two days in the ICU and one night in the step down unit later...

we are home!

What did I learn?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

You see...

 my lack of understanding during that long night led me to where I needed to be for the following day...

 A gentle reminder.

Trust Him.

So, what happened?  Is this normal?

The doctors explained it is not the norm, but they have seen it before.

Usually in kids that REALLY needed the surgery.
Basically, his body had been compensating for the blockage and working harder to get the needed air through his system.  So, when they removed the blockage his body did not compensate and kept "pulling" with the same force.  This action was pulling fluid from his soft tissue into his lungs and on top of him not swallowing due to it being uncomfortable, the fluid had no where to go.

So...you would think all that would be enough.

Be sober-minded; be watchful.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  1 Peter 5:8-9

It wasn't.

Be sober-minded; be watchful.

We tried.  We saw it coming.

We...being my husband and I.

We tried to prevent it.

We were specific -upfront.

It was communicated that our wishes were understood.

Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

I believe he found an opportunity.

He found a situation that has been a consistent struggle.

And he devoured.

He used the chaos to slither in.

If you are sensible, you will control your temper.  When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it.  Proverbs 19:11

This verse was lost on me.

I can not begin to describe my level of anger.

I tried to walk away...I couldn't and in my heart I believed I shouldn't.

Eventually...enough is enough.

I heard a sermon on forgiveness a long time ago...shortly after our first experience down this long road.

At the time, it was a sermon I needed and through the years one  I have continually referenced.

He commands us to forgive...not to forget.

I remember the first time I heard it...I was so relieved.

I had been trying so hard to forget and found it to be humanly impossible.

Why does he not require us to forget?

The reasoning is simple...if someone wrongs you, God does not expect you to put yourself in the same situation over and over for it to repeat itself.

Forgive them...learn to love from a distance.

Where are we now...

I can only speak for myself. 

I am choosing to love from a distance.  

I am going to step out and pray the God steps in.

I came across this statement a while back and while I can't remember where it came from here it is:

"Good morning, this is your Father.  I will be taking care of all your problems today, and I will be working all things together for good.  I will not need your help.  So, have a nice day."

I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there anything too hard for Me?  Jeremiah 32:27 AMP

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Last night, after waking our little lover to give him some pain medication he quickly became still and rested on my chest.  I was enjoying him and then quickly he gave me a little reassurance.

He started climbing up my chest,

puckers those lips and gives me the sweetest kiss you could ever imagine.

He slowly scoots back down, finds his restful spot and falls back to sleep.

I can't control the tears. 

 I am so thankful we are home and so aware of how serious the past week has been.  

The next few months will come with big decisions concerning our little guy

 and what his life will look like.

It was a simple...I. Trust. You. that he (and He) knew I needed!