?

Not really sure what I'm trying to get out or why I am even letting it go, but here goes...

My heart is heavy,

I cry like a baby at random times,

sometimes the fear of what's next for our family is unbearable...

and then some days

I just don't feel at all.

Mom has always told me I stray from the norm...if everyone is walking in one direction, I am sure to go the other way and I'll probably be running!  I'm doing it again.  Most people, when they are looking for a miracle, run toward God.  I'm definitely not running away, but it's been different.  I've prayed, but far less than I had been praying since we found out about mom.  Even when I make a conscious effort, my thoughts drift.  I told Aimee I was losing my mind and God was having a good laugh.  In one night, I asked for the same thing in several ways.  It went something like this...

Dear Jesus...please take the cancer away.

Dear Jesus...if it be Your will, please take the cancer away.

Dear Jesus...please take the cancer away in a way that glorifies you.

Dear Jesus...please use my mom as a witness of your love and mercy and take the cancer away.

This was all in one night.  Truth be told, I was scared I was asking the wrong way.  Then it occurred to me...Sara, God knows what you want, he knows your needs and regardless of how you ask, His will...will be done.  Then I kind of stopped.  In my mind...He knows what I want.  But...I've been asking a lot of other people to pray.  Kind of hypocritical I know!  I spent the other night praying for others.  People I know and some I don't.  I figured that's the least I could do.  If others are praying for my family...I can at least pray for others.  It at least made me feel better...closer to Him.  But, got me to thinking.  I wonder why it was so easy to pray for other people but I am having such a hard time praying for my mom?  Still pondering.

We haven't been to church in a few weeks...which is bad because I need church.  I've never understood when people reason that church doesn't get you to heaven.  My answer is this...you are right, church can't get you to heaven.  But, if you love Him, I mean really love Him,  you want to surround yourself with Him and His people and messages that confirm what this world tries to take away from us!  But...due to being on the road, company and a night away with my husband...we haven't been.

So,

while I know He is there and while I know I love Him...
I feel my faith in Him and His plan is fleeting...

I'm sad about this.

But that's life.

Sometimes you just gotta...

and just take a peek.

God is good!  

He knows where I am
and 
still loves me.

Thank you Jesus, that even when I don't know where I am or what is going on...You do!  Thank you that on the days when I feel far away from You...You are still there!